Friday, September 28, 2007

Sep 27

I really dont know what is happening to me. The actions which have affected me or rather wounded me in the recent past, have been playing in "repeat-mode" in my mind. The more, I try to forget them, greater is the frequency of my recollection of the events.

My dear ones and I are hurt so much for no fault of ours or rather by the others' ignorance/we-know-it-all attitude. I really feel like paying back these people with their own coin. I just want them to bite back their words. The fact that I am forced to be tongue tied, magnifies my anger by zillion times. The ones dear to me, poor souls, become the target of my fury. This further intensifies my anger as I am hurting Peter to pay back Paul.

The bottled up anger pops its ugly head in various incarnations like pounding headache, acerbic words thou' I never intend to say, disinterest in everything in life esp work. I have edited Tagore's Gitanjali to reflect my current thoughts

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high;

Where the human relationship has not been broken up

into fragments by narrow domestic walls;

Where words come out from the depth of truth;

Where the clear stream of reason

has not lost its way into the dreary desert sand of dead habit;

Where the mind is led forward by thee into ever-widening thought and action---

Into that heaven , my God, let me awake.


oh God ! please help me.